Larting

August 17th, 2007

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The Announcement

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I'm sort of an enigma in the circles I travel in. Most of my friends, they're looking for something like a nation that was lost to time, or a people that never rose to greatness, or The Perfect World. Me, I'm looking for the Porno Universe.

It's a small dream, but it keeps me going.

You might think this was a waste of the talent, that I should be doing something noble and beneficial to the multiverse at large. You might be right. I don't care. Because, when it comes right down to it, all those ennobling and beneficial things already exist somewhere, and somebody's already figured out how to get them to everybody. All I can do is try to find some way and some place to be happy myself, and I've chosen the Porno Universe.

I mean, think about it. In the Porno Universe, (or how I envision it, at least), there's no violence against other men, no violence against women, no frustration, everybody is devoted to happy sexual congress and doing anything necessary to keep everybody satisfied. It's the ideal world.

Yeah, I know, it's a rationalization. Bite me. It's my rationalization. When you've been roaming around the planes as long as I have, all the others tend to wear thin. I needed something primal to keep me going.

My buddy Patrice, who's been hanging out with me for a while now, is looking for the African planes, where Africa took over the world in the same way that Europe took over the world in the planes we're both from. He's always wanted to see European slaves being whipped to work by African overlords. He wants to own a few Europeans himself. He's kind of a racist, when you come right down to it, but a nice enough guy otherwise. Sometimes he's been close, but never gotten quite the world he likes. I've been his 'servant' quite a few times, but there was always an equality movement in those worlds, about to succeed, too, and he didn't feel like sticking around to fight it, and possibly lose.

I can understand that. I found a Sado-Masochist Porno Universe once, and I couldn't get out of there fast enough. When you can do what we do, why bother settling when you can have the whole dream?

We were out in the mid-planes, just trying to find someplace palatable for a little rest. We'd just come from one of those worlds where aliens had taken over in the Middle Ages, you know, where the Non-Interference Pact between the T'Kung and the Bisli hadn't been made, and earth had become a staging ground for their war. After spending a few days in Enviro-suits because of alien terraforming, we both needed a vacation.

"How about that one over there?" Patrice pointed at a tidy little planar conjunction, and I scanned it for a minute.

"Nah, it feels like one of those places where the Nazis won."

"Oh, I hate those places. You have to dye your hair blonde, I have to color my skin and wear contacts - "

"Yeah, not today." I scanned another conjunction a bit further off. "That one feels a little different. Not quite a world-vision place, but close."

"I do notice a distinct African strain in it," Patrice said hopefully. "Let's try it out."

We moved into the conjunction, and felt our body chemistry shift slightly to accommodate the new world we were coming into. It gives you a kind of giddy high for a few minutes; a few of the newbies'll just spend days popping in and out of conjunctions. It's hilarious to see them when they finally come down off it. There's no hangover like a dimensional hangover.

We came out of the conjunction into a decidedly non-technical city. Most of the buildings were one story high and kind of a rustic, just-post-air- conditioning level of architecture. A couple of buildings did have a grander look to them, but there was one building that caught both of us right away. It was at least 500 feet high, and it was an African pyramid.

Patrice was in Heaven.

"I think this is it, I think this is it !" He was jumping up and down, shouting thanks to several African deities. "I can feel the blood of the motherland all around me!"

I took his arm and pointed off towards the pyramid. "Then, how do you explain those guys?" Coming from the grungier buildings were a line of people who, while not exactly Aryan types, were a lot paler than Patrice was. I didn't see anybody who looked like they were of pure African ancestry.

"Slaves," he said, quite confidently. "Look over there, where they're lining up."

Off in the distance, on a road that led towards the pyramid, there were a group of African men herding the paler, plodding types into an elephant-drawn truck. The white boys didn't seem any too happy about the situation, but didn't resist. A couple of times, one of them said something that one of the Africans didn't like, and they were beaten until they couldn't stand anymore. Then, they were picked up and loaded onto the truck by their fellows.

"Great. I get to play your houseboy again."

"I don't think you're going to want to stay here, Gabriel. I'm getting the download about this dimension right now, and it's not looking very good for people of European ancestry here." He motioned me behind one of the buildings, out of sight of the slaveloading operation. Raising his hand, he projected an image of the world on the wall. Several lines were drawn between Africa and Asia, and a few routes were shown between Africa and the Americas, but virtually everything looked to be under the colonial control of about fourteen African nations. Europe was split into bits and pieces, with no indigenous governments controlling anything. Asia was allied with Africa, but was definitely the junior partner. "Europeans are the key to economic prosperity here. There are about 200 million of them, and they do all of the muscle work, leaving the Africans and Asians free to pursue more intellectual goals." A broad smile appeared on Patrice's face, and looked like it'd never leave. "It's paradise."

I had to laugh. "Yeah, it's what you've been looking for, all right. But, is there a freedom movement for the Europeans? Or, an abolition movement among either the Asians or Africans?"

"There was one, about a hundred years ago." He pointed at south Asia. "The Chinese emperor had a European concubine, and apparently fell so much in love with her that he began to have second thoughts about the entire European situation. He began emancipating Europeans, even gave them a small chunk of China to call their own. After his death, though, they fell under the influence of Koreans who wanted to free themselves from the empire, and, in the war that followed, the Europeans were put back under the yoke, along with the Koreans. Since then, no other European emancipation program has been enacted."

"Have you got the local language imprinted, yet?"

He held a hand to his head. "I'm getting it now. It's very similar to pre-Arabic Egyptian, with a little pre-Arabic Ethiopian thrown in."

"Are personal slaves expected to speak?"

"Only when they're spoken to." He pounded my back. "You'll finally get to show me the proper respect."

"Yes, master." I started accessing the download from him and assimilating the language, and any pointers about how I should act as Patrice's boy. It wasn't too different from how slaves are supposed to act everywhere. Abasement, deference, and quickness to obey orders are what people want of a slave no matter what culture is dominant. It's sometimes a little sad to see that the bad side of our nature remains so constant.

But, philosophizing doesn't get you any closer to the Porno Universe.

Geezer Butler	Look how people pay money to see scary movies, we should try writing scary music and change our name to Black Sabbath? ~ Geezer Butler - Click to Watch Sample
Black Sabbath

In 1969, the British Police closed the case file on Terence Michael Joseph "Geezer" Butler (his nickname supposedly arose from a habit as a teenager of referring to everyone as "Geezer"). The recent death of the thirty year old was ruled misadventure. Other members of the band Earth provided a more sinister explanation based on recent occultist influences the band had been flirting with. According to the vocalist John Michael “Ozzy” Osbourne, the band had been working on a new signature tune “Black Sabbath” which was inspired by an experience that Geezer Butler related to Osbourne. Geezer had painted his apartment matte black and placed several inverted crucifixes on the walls. Then, one day, Ozzy brought round a book about Witchcraft, which Geezer became extremely fascinated by. One night, he read the book and fell asleep. He recalled waking up and seeing a black figure and, as he put it, "cr*pped myself". He then told Ozzy, who wrote the lyrics to what would become Black Sabbath: "What is this that stands before me? Figure in black which points at me". He repeated the story over the coming weeks before being found death by Osbourne. Even though he had just turned thirty, his hair was completely white. And the witchcraft book was missing. The lyrics are available at at Lyricsdomain

~ quotation by Co-Historian Steve Payne from Counter-history – You're the Judge!

In 2008, English-born Canadian Steve Payne was sued by BlueberryPie for alluding to Freudian motives for owners of the EyeFone Quartz Midnight who he suggested suffered from Psychosexual under-development. Simon Works the President of BlueberryPie dismissed this recalcitrant as a “lowser that wants larting*. The guy should spend less time in the Muffin shop dizzing the product and more time down the gym working off those six bellies where you could tuck a dozen EyeFones and smuggle them out of the country”.

~ entry by Co-Historian Steve Payne

Larting: Lowser-Attitute-Readjustment-Tool e.g. Soft baseball bat over the head, term of alleged empathy used by IT staff all over the world to describe technically “challenged” end users.

In 2002, Chris Bunch's Tarnished Glory contemporaries Custer and Patton were appointed to Supreme Allied Command following a plane crash killing Eisenhower and Bradley. Much like the appointments of Hindenburg and Ludendorff to German High Command in World War I, the dynamics of war-time had delivered an unexpected historic opportunity that was seized by second choice mavericks.

~ variant from Steve Payne: extensive use of original content has been made to celebrate the author's genius.

In 2010, techno tragedy struck down a talentless middle-aged author in the wilds of Canada. For many years, the deceased had been guilty of "eating the shopping". This obscure crime involved premature consumption of the goodies part of the weekly groceries. Recently, the fridge had been micro-chipped with a Java appliance which automatically re-ordered shopping items for home delivery as they approached minimum stock levels. Predictably, this device had unleashed a six month binge. Colleages from the Academy paid their respects, indicating that the Co-Historian had copied Editor's note: Surely "created"? some quality work before his fingers had become infeasibly porky, preventing the effective use of Control-C, Control-V. Some of his better plagiarisms were run on the Today in Alternative History web site for a week of tributes.

~ entry by Steve Payne.

In 2002, RM Muleuch published Twelve Legions of Angels. Disgraced Air Marshall Hugh Dowding challenges the conventional wisdom that the Big Wing theory was doomed, asserting that a Battle of Britain could have been won.

~ variant from Steve Payne: extensive use of original content has been made to celebrate the author's genius.

Admiral Tirpitz	In 1991, on this day Robert K Massie published U Boat: Britain, Germany, and the Coming of the Great War. Massie begins with the birth of Queen Victoria, and follows the chronology of the royal families of Europe, culminating in the unification of Germany ..
.. by Bismarck and the crowning of Kaiser William II. With the stage set, Massie describes the series of people and events that contributed to the ultimate outbreak of war, including Alfred von Tirpitz and his ultimately successful plan to starve the British into defeat by sinking their convoys.
~ entry by Steve Payne from Counter History in Context - You're the Judge!

In 1945, on this day “The Dawn of Liberation” was published, containing Churchill's 1944 speeches on the road to victory, from "Preparation, Effort in Resolve” to "Hope for Victory” as part of the three volume definitive edition, “The War Speeches”. The events of “Churchill's Last Stand” ..	Winston Churchi..
.. are described in some detail. Churchill pinpoints the key moment as the creation of the State of Israel from the British Mandate in Palestine, an act which forged the alliance with Moshe Dayan's Hagannah forces. Heavily supported by Indian and Australian divisions, Bernard Montgomery created the first truly multinational army which triumphed over the Axis powers over the course of the next two glorious years.
~ entry by Steve Payne from Counter History in Context - You're the Judge!

Columbus	In 1923, Amerindian explorers had landed in Andalusia to find a fallen civilization. After a day's march, they discover the truth. When Cristoforo Colombo returned on March 15 1493, he and his men spread the Smallpox, typhus, influenza, diphtheria, measles, malaria, and other epidemics that had plagued them since first contact. ..
.. The pandemic had resulted in the depopulation of the continent.
~ entry by Steve Payne from Counter History in Context - You're the Judge!

In 1976, offices of the publisher Doubleday in New York City are closed by an executive order of President George Wallace and Vice President Curtis LeMay. Copies of “Roots: The Saga of an American Family” are seized just two hours before publication. Federal Agents commanded by Chief Investigator Oliver North order ..	Roots
.. staff at gunpoint to recall copies from retail outlets throughout America. In a televised speech that evening Wallace denies charges of Jim Crow censorship. Alleging that the book was a blatant copy of a work of fiction, “The African” by Harold Courlander, Wallace said he had a duty as President to prevent bicentennial celebrations planned for the following year to be ruined by a “cheap piece of plagiarism”.
~ entry by Steve Payne from Counter History in Context - You're the Judge!

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