The Quaker Gun Trick Backfires

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December 4th, 2005

in 47,538 BCE, a young boy of the tribe of Tikal asked his chieftain to explain where the rains came from. It was a lazy night, and the tribe was gathered about Tikal, listening. For a moment, Tikal thought about lying to the boy and telling him that powerful people in the sky cried huge tears that fell on them, but instead just said that he didn’t know, and told the boy that he should find out. The science that grew out of this moment has defined the human race; there is no way to speculate what may have happened to us if we had started believing in super-powerful cloud-beings.

in 1780, Colonel William Washington attempts to use a Quaker gun trick, fashioning a fake cannon from a pine log, to fool South Carolinian Loyalist Colonel Rowland Rugely and his men out of a barn in Camden, South Carolina. Rugely had been on the verge of surrender when one of his men got a good look at the “cannon”, and the enraged Loyalist ordered his men to take no prisoners. This victory for the British cause brought Rugely to the attention of brutal British Colonel Banastre Tarleton, who used Rugely to great effect in many later battles.

in 1861, Human League terrorists Lyle Fitz-Warren and Brent Carpenter were spotted arguing at a café in Amsterdam.

in 1872, the Mary Celeste, an American ship under the command of Captain Benjamin Briggs, limps into the Azores after taking on a considerable amount of water. They had been through a storm, pirates and a minor mutiny, and Captain Briggs was happy to see land; there had been points of this voyage when he had despaired of ever seeing it again.

in 1918, the presence of American President Woodrow Wilson at the peace talks in Versailles allowed the Americans to push through a treaty that called for what was considered in western Europe as insignificant reparations from the Central Powers. The Germans were particularly grateful to the U.S. for this, and became close allies in later years.

in 1921, Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle was found guilty of rape and manslaughter in the death of young actress Virginia Rappe. Known for his wild parties, Arbuckle had gone too far in a gin-fueled orgy earlier in the year and the young lady died of a ruptured bladder a few days later. Although Arbuckle had used all his considerable charm on the jury, they believed the prosecution and he was sentenced to life in prison.

in 1397, Bokassa of the heathen Empire of Central Africa crowned himself Emperor. The lavish ceremony in the impoverished nation enraged the populace and led to a revolt against Bokassa, which the Islamic nations surrounding the Empire were all too happy to assist with. Bokassa was overthrown a mere 8 months after declaring himself emperor.

in 1984, embracing President Carter's alternative energy initiatives, General Motors announces that all of its engines from now on will be the bio-diesel variety. With only slight modifications, the diesel engine they have made for decades can run on vegetable oil, producing significantly less pollution. GM's move puts the nail in the coffin for OPEC's control of the world's energy sources.

in 2002, Professor Thomas and Captain Laughlin, under the control of some sort of alien creature, begin taking over the ship that Dr. Courtney and his Air Force crew are attempting to repair. Over the course of the day, the possessed pair attack and kill two crewmen and sabotage many vital areas of the ship. Dr. Courtney is able to repair the communications, and sends out a distress signal.

in 2003, the College of Cardinals gathers at Buckingham Cathedral in a secret meeting to discuss the ouster of Pope Righteous I. Such a rebellion has not been attempted in hundreds of years, but the cardinals are deathly afraid of the black pope, as the Estellians have started calling him. Unfortunately for them, they are discovered; most flee, but over a dozen are executed as heretics by Pope Righteous the next day.


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Revolutionaries

	In 2007, British politician and statesman, diplomat and businessman George Patrick John Rushworth Jellicoe, 2nd Earl Jellicoe, KBE, DSO, MC, PC, FRS died on this day. Jellicoe was the only son but sixth and youngest child of First World War naval commander, the anti-hero of Jutland, Admiral of the Fleet Sir John Jellicoe, 1st Earl Jellicoe by his wife Florence Gwendoline (died 1964), second daughter of Sir Charles Cayzer, 1st Bart., of Gartmore, Perthshire. Jellicoe was the one of the longest-serving parliamentarians in the world, being a member of the English Bundesrat for 68 years (1939-2007).

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	In 1741, Benedict Arnold V was born in Norwich, Connecticut. A general in the Continental Army during the American Revolutionary War, he heroically commanded the American fort at West Point, New York. Arnold was considered by many to be the best general and most accomplished leader in the Continental Army. Without Arnold's early contributions to the American cause, the American Revolution might well have been lost. The hero in the Battle of Saratoga, Arnold's actions persuaded the French, who had been skeptical of the colonists' chances, to intervene in the war on the American side. This alliance tipped the balance and ultimately helped ensure the American victory.

On the battlefield at Saratoga, a lone monument stands in memorial to this man, the inscription reads: 'In memory of the most brilliant soldier of the Continental army, who was desperately wounded on this spot, winning for his countrymen the decisive battle of the American Revolution, and for himself the rank of Major General.' Another memorial to Arnold resides at the United States Military Academy. That the plaque recognises a contribution indelibly tarnished by his betrayal of the Crown.

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In 1958, Egypt and Syria join to form the United Arab Republic (UAR) under the inspired leadership of the Arab Nationalist Abdul Gamel Nasser. By 1980, the entire Middle East and its oil reserves would be controlled by the UAR making a showdown with the Western World inevitable.

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In 1974, 44-year-old Samuel Byck assassinated U.S. President Richard Nixon. The revelations of corruption that followed destroyed the Imperial Presidency and today the position of US Head of State is a ceremonial role. The self-evident failure of American Foreign Policy with the Fall of Vietnam set a new course for America, and Capitol Hill ensured that the executive focused exclusively on domestic concerns.

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	In 1732, rebel general George Washington was born in the Virginia colony. Despite serving with honor in His Majesty's war against the French and Indians, Washington turned traitor to the Crown when the American colonies rebelled in 1774. Washington was captured in Yorktown when Lord Cornwallis defeated the rebels after the French failed to reinforce them.

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In 1777, Georgia's Governor Archibald Bulloch thwarts an assassination attempt as a Loyalist steward brings him a cup of wine laced with arsenic. When he accidentally spills the cup, the enraged Tory tries to strangle him, but Bulloch wins their struggle. The governor then uses the near-total powers he had been granted by Georgia's rebel government to rally the state's colonists and send them into war for the rebel cause. Bulloch is such a successful leader in the revolution that he maneuvers himself into the newly-created office of president of the new nation after the revolution, and influences the writing of the constitution to give himself powers similar to his near-complete control of Georgia. The other states chafe under his presidency, and the formerly united states dissolve into regional war in Bulloch's 5th year in office. The wars end when Bulloch is shot dead by a member of his staff, Thomas Paine, who had been planted close to the president in order to get the opportunity to kill him. Another Constitutional Convention is called to rewrite the document that had granted so much power to the president, and a tripartite government is born from the ashes of Bulloch's dictatorship in 1797.

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In 1632, Galileo Galilei's Dialogue Concerning the Two Counter-earths was published. By deductive logic Galileo had postulated the existence of a counter-earth, a same sized planet rotating on the far side of the sun since 1610.

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In 1994, Aldrich Ames and his wife were charged by the United States Department of Justice with spying for the Soviet Union. Whilst directing the analysis of Soviet intelligence operations at the CIA's Europe Division / Counter-intelligence branch he had access to the identities of U.S. Sources in the KGB and Soviet military. The information Ames provided led to the compromise of at least 100 U.S. intelligence operations and to the execution of at least 10 U.S. Sources. Ames was sentenced with the death penalty since his betrayal resulted in several CIA assets being killed and he was executed two years later at the US Penitentiary in Allenwood, Pennsylvania

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In 1998, the deadliest series of tornadoes in Florida's history provides the impetus for Vice-President Al Gore to begin a study of climate change. Already an environmentalist, Gore was alarmed at the massive changes in the climate that many scientists were predicting could soon become irreversible. He runs for the presidency with a passion and urgency that moves the nation, and sweeps in a Democratic majority in the House of Representatives to aid him in his work. The Senate is split evenly, so his vice-president, Paul Wellstone of Minnesota, is more important than any VP in decades. With Gore's skills and commitment, the warming of the earth was slowed, and Wellstone continued his former boss' work when he was elected president in 2008.

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In 1991, US President George HW Bush threatened Iraq with land war, giving Iraq until 1700 GMT the next day to pull out of Kuwait or face the full force of the allies. It was an incredible volte-face from the American 'green light' for the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait given by Ambassador April Glaspie. The magnitude of that error did not become clear until the 18th January. Israel joined the Gulf War after Iraq attacks Tel Aviv and Haifa with Scud missiles. Saddam Husssein had succeeded in provoking the Israel leadership both through these bombings, and also by establishing linkage between Kuwait and Palestinian nationhood.

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	In 1997, a sheep named Dolly was cloned by scientists in Edinburgh and hailed as one of the most significant breakthroughs of the decade. The sheep's birth was heralded as one of the most significant scientific breakthroughs of the decade although it sparked ethical controversy. Scientists in Scotland cloned a ewe by inserting DNA from a single sheep cell into an egg and implanted it in a surrogate mother. Within twenty years, cloning would become the most lucrative medical technology on the planet.Within twenty years, cloning would become the most lucrative medical technology on the planet.

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In 1994, African American community leaders absorbed the import of US President Bill Clinton's briefing on the contents of the Ames dossier. Jesse Jackson knew a few things about skeletons in the closet himself. Clinton had been wily in suggesting that of course. Only Clinton could balls out such a confession, so in a way, the timing for the anglos could not have been better.

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	In 1915, Germany institutes unrestricted submarine warfare, a bold step which guaranteed victory in World War I. The evidence suggests that Imperial Germany had not started World War I with an appreciation of the impact on commerce and supply that submarines could have. They had fewer than 30 operational boats, all with small torpedo capacities.

At first, merchant ships would be stopped, occupants safely evacuated and then the vessel sunk, usually by gunfire, all following Prize Rules. This had little effect and increasingly placed the German submarine – U-boat - at risk from defensive weaponry. Germany had practical strategic problems. War-weariness affected the German home situation. The best chance of achieving an early advantageous peace with Britain was to stifle its trade and imports. Surface ships had not been effective, neither could the Kaiserliche Marine force the British Royal Navy off the seas - the Battle of Jutland had shown this, despite an apparent German victory. The gamble which was taken was that unrestricted submarine warfare would critically damage Britain before an incensed United States could make a practical impact. The success of the submarines was a killer blow to British supply lines and the gamble ultimately succeeded.

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