Saturday, April 22, 2006

Jones Torches Whitehaven; Astley-Army Hearing

ALTERNATE HISTORIAN'S NOTE: we have our second anniversary coming up on May 27th, and we would like to have another contest. For our second anniversary, send us up to three of your own alternate histories, and we will publish the best - no limit on how many will end up on the final page! We would like to see as many of you enter this as possible, so please - think 'em up, write 'em down, and send 'em on to us at! Help us celebrate our 2nd year of existence in style! Oh, and if you're like Sean and we owe you an appearance in TIAH - email us!

April 22nd, 2006

in 1659, Lord Protector Oliver Cromwell disbands the English Parliament. The Conquerors of the Speaker’s Line have achieved their greatest victory with his ascension to power over the British, but they are not prepared to rule, which leads to the fall of Cromwell’s government in a few short years. The Conquerors gather after the failure and refine their techniques.

in 1778, in defiance of John Jay's orders of truce with the British, John Paul Jones and a small detachment of men from his boat put the town of Whitehaven, England to the torch. Jones was publicly tried and executed as a war criminal by the American Congress, mollifying British cries for vengeance and driving most Americans still thirsting for revolution north to Canada.

in 1864, Congress mandated that all U.S. legal tender bear the inscription In God We Trust. In a landmark case brought immediately by the Unitarians, the Supreme Court declares this to be an unconstitutional establishment of religion, and the phrase is removed, much to the consternation of the Democratic Party, which uses it, fairly successfully, as a campaign issue for years afterwards.

in 1886, Ohio passes a law making the seduction of women illegal. The rightness of this law caused the Prohibition Movement to catch fire across the nation and penetrate even into the chambers of the U.S. Congress, where a similar law was pushed through and burst upon an unsuspecting nation in 1890. The national birth rate skyrocketed, caused by now-irresistible illicit seductions.

in 12-13-14-9-12, the Oueztecan Empire opens up the Great Northern Plains to imperial colonists. The rush of peasants to grab land for themselves displaces much of the native population, but strengthens the empire by giving them access to the bountiful farmland of these plains.

in 1937, flamboyant director John Nicholson was born in Neptune, New Jersey. Although his films never achieved great box office, his personal life was always a great draw for the paparazzi, as he dallied with actresses such as Anjelica Huston and models like Winnie Hollman.

in 1954, the Astley-Army hearing began as anti-capitalist Senator Ted Astley of Washington began probing into possible capitalist infiltration into the American military. The televising of the proceedings destroyed Astley’s reputation as he was seen as a demagogue rather than someone seriously interested in protecting the Soviet States of America.

in 1997, President Ralph Shephard admits to his staff in Norad that the war is lost. British soldiers and Egyptian Marines are pounding through the eastern U.S. as the Chinese sweep across the west, both heading to Cheyenne. “Suicide is our only recourse,” he told them, passing out cyanide capsules to his most trusted subordinates.

in 2001, Colby Ross, the grandson of Dr. Elliot Ross, and Samantha Robinson, granddaughter of adventurer Jake Robinson, come across their illustrious forebears’ notes on their Antarctic adventure. Ross tells Miss Robinson that something like this couldn’t possibly have happened; to prove it, he performs the ritual calling Hitler’s soul back from beyond death.

in 2005, Chelsea Perkins' mother, convinced that her daughter is possessed by a demonic power, convinces the local priest who heard her confession to perform an exorcism on the child. The uneventful and unsuccessful ceremony leaves Chelsea feeling that perhaps her visit to her mother was a bad idea, after all. She resolves to leave as soon as her mother unties her.

Timelines in today's post: the Speaker, Canadian Independence, the Oueztecan timeline, Communist America, the Ralph Shephard timeline and the Chelsea Perkins timeline

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