Russian Missile Defense System Fails

January 25th, 2005

in 1891, when a ritual designed to steal his soul is thwarted, the Baron von Todt, Mikhail von Heflin, attacks the three old women who were trying to trap him. The battle shunts him outside of this dimension; when he returns, over 50 years has passed, and the 20th century is halfway through.

in 1956, Prime Minister Kyukhov of Russia tells a visiting American journalist that “President Joel Rosenberg is working towards peace; we could have a peaceful coexistence with this man as your leader.” The interview, broadcast around the world the next day, helps Comrade President Rosenberg to forge a new era of détente with Europe’s largest monarchy.

in 1964, Pete Best’s single Come Dance With Me topped the charts in America. Hot on the heels of his first American tour, the success he enjoyed in America convinced Best to move there and take advantage of their larger audience for his music.

in 1349, Idi Amin, a general in Uganda’s military, seized power from the rightful ruler, Caliph Mutessa II, in a bloody coup. He abolished Islam during his short reign, alienating Uganda from all the nations surrounding it. In 1352, when he began slaughtering old tribal enemies, the Islamic nations surrounding him invaded and removed him from power.

in 4677, celebrated actress Jiang Qing makes her final film. In her youth, she had created a minor scandal when she started up an affair with Imperial Minister Mao Tse-Tung. After other councilors convinced him it was unwise to continue, he left her. She never married after this affair, and even when Emperor Mao, then a widower, asked for her hand, she refused him.

in 1994, Jeanne Dixon, shortly after predicting that she would be raptured with other true believers in the year 2000, died in New York City. She had stepped in front of a car that she hadn’t seen coming.

in 1995, years after the Soviet Union had collapsed, and peace was the order of the day, the Russian missile defense system detected a launch from Norway. Although it was a mistake, and a simple call for verification from Moscow would have confirmed that it was a mistake, the commander at the switch that day was an unreconstructed hardliner, and ordered every missile launched. This triggered a launch from European bases, and before anyone could stop them, nuclear devastation wasted northern Europe.

in 2001, a week into his first term, Republican Congressmen began drawing up papers of impeachment for President Gore. They accused him of being in the pocket of the Chinese government because of his “fund-raising” event attended by Chinese nationals. In his defense, there were plenty of California Republicans at the event, as well.


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