Human Leaguers Spotted In Amsterdam

December 4th, 2004

in 47,538 BCE, a young boy of the tribe of Tikal asked his chieftain to explain where the rains came from. It was a lazy night, and the tribe was gathered about Tikal, listening. For a moment, Tikal thought about lying to the boy and telling him that powerful people in the sky cried huge tears that fell on them, but instead just said that he didn’t know, and told the boy that he should find out. The science that grew out of this moment has defined the human race; there is no way to speculate what may have happened to us if we had started believing in super-powerful cloud-beings.

in 1861, Human League terrorists Lyle Fitz-Warren and Brent Carpenter were spotted arguing at a café in Amsterdam when a British tourist told Dutch police that she recognized them from the vid. The pair escaped a spirited chase by Dutch authorities and were never seen together again.

in 1875, Democratic Party boss William Tweed escaped from prison and fled to the European monarchies. Eager to denounce the revolutionary goals of the United States, the monarchies gave Tweed asylum and the German court even made him an advisor to the crown on American affairs. U.S. President Ulysses Grant, a member of the Communist Party, said of Tweed, “A criminal government granting a criminal asylum doesn’t surprise me.”

in 1921, Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle was found guilty of rape and manslaughter in the death of young actress Virginia Rappe. Known for his wild parties, Arbuckle had gone too far in a gin-fueled orgy earlier in the year and the young lady died of a ruptured bladder a few days later. Although Arbuckle had used all his considerable charm on the jury, they believed the prosecution and he was sentenced to life in prison.

in 1942, with large sections of Poland under the control of the German Underground, the Jews of the country were facing a death sentence. A small group of Polish Christians formed the Committee for the Assistance of the Jews to help those left in the country spirit out and join up with the Greater Zionist Resistance still fighting in the east. They aided thousands of Jewish people in leaving the country before the G.U. shot their leadership in 1944.

in 1961, an embarrassed curator informed the staff at New York’s Museum of Modern Art that they had hung Matisse’s painting Le Bateau upside down for over a month. After a quick vote, it was decided that it looked better that way, and it was left upside down.

in 1397, Bokassa of the heathen Empire of Central Africa crowned himself Emperor. The lavish ceremony in the impoverished nation enraged the populace and led to a revolt against Bokassa, which the Islamic nations surrounding the Empire were all too happy to assist with. Bokassa was overthrown a mere 8 months after declaring himself emperor.

in 2003, the College of Cardinals gathers at Buckingham Cathedral in a secret meeting to discuss the ouster of Pope Righteous I. Such a rebellion has not been attempted in hundreds of years, but the cardinals are deathly afraid of the black pope, as the Estellians have started calling him. Unfortunately for them, they are discovered; most flee, but over a dozen are executed as heretics by Pope Righteous the next day.