Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Fatima Hoax; Mlosh Have Souls

July 13th, 2004

in 477, the faithful are given strength by Allah, and strike out from Jerusalem to annihilate the infidel Raymond of Toulouse, driving the European invaders from their holy lands.

in 1725, after 2 years of missionary work among the Mlosh of North America, clergyman Jonathan Edwards pens the treatise No Demons From Hell Are These, in which he writes that, while the Mlosh are certainly sinners, they are not demons, and should be accorded the opportunity of converting to Christianity just as any other sinner. While it may sound bigoted in our time, this was a critical step towards acceptance of the Mlosh in the Christian world.

in 1897, capitalizing on the work of a young Italian man in his employ, Thomas Edison patents the radio, a device which captures radio waves and translates them into understandable sounds. The Italian, Guglielmo Marconi, takes umbrage at Edison patenting what he feels is mainly his work, and sues the legendary inventor. He loses the case, since he had been employed by Edison while the radio was being invented. He spends the rest of his life trying to invent something of his own, but dies without another great idea.

in 1917, 3 children claim to have seen the Virgin Mary in Fatima, Portugal. Pope George of the Holy British Empire immediately dispatches a cardinal to investigate. Under the intense interrogation, the children admit that they were trying to hoax people in their village. The Pope absolves them of sin, but admonishes them not to lie again. One of the children takes the lesson to heart, and becomes a nun once she is grown.

in 1940, Patrick Stewart was born in Mirfield, Yorkshire. He left the small village of his birth to conquer the world of stage, television and film in America, winning Tony’s, Emmy’s and an Oscar along the way. Most remembered for his portrayal of Captain Picard on Star Trek: The Next Generation, he was also recognized for his Shakespearean turns as King Lear and his moving remake of A Christmas Carol, for which he won an Oscar for Best Actor.

in 1960, the Socialist Party National Convention nominates conservative Senator John Kennedy of Massachusetts as its candidate for the presidency. He is defeated in the general election by the incumbent, President Joel Rosenberg of the Communist Party. Kennedy’s running mate, Senator Barry Goldwater of Arizona, ran in 1964 against Comrade Rosenberg’s successor and running mate, Comrade Gus Hall.

in 1977, on his birthday, puzzlemaster Erno Rubik discovers that if you twist one of his eponymous cubes in just the right way, it opens a portal into a 5th dimension. Unfortunately, before he could tell anyone, he was sucked in and never seen again.

in 2003, the Australians hear back from their allies – wait and see what the Martians are doing. Unwilling to wait, Prime Minister Howard dispatches a naval unit to capture a Martian in Antarctica and bring him back for questioning.

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