Quaker Killing Spree; Pope Righteous I Crowned

July 11th, 2004

in 1533, Cardinal Clement of Rome broke with Pope Henry VIII of the Holy British Empire, establishing the Reborn Roman Church of God. The Cardinal and his followers had apparently taken heart at Pope Henry’s leniency towards Protestants, and thought that this was an opportune time to regain the prominence Rome was had in the Christian community. Henry proved him wrong 4 years later by having him executed; the RRC was annihilated, and no Roman clergyman has ever since attempted to reassert their dominance in spiritual affairs.

in 1656, Ann Austin and Mary Fisher, the first 2 members of the violent Quaker sect to arrive in America, go on a violent killing spree before being captured by colonial authorities. Their method was to convert someone to their religion, absolving them of their sins, then kill them while they were still “blameless”, so that they would go straight to Heaven. Fisher, at her trial, stated, “I will take the sin on me, for I have seen a hundred men to Heaven.” It is unknown if this was true or a boast, but the pair were executed for at least 10 murders.

in 1754, famed scatologist Thomas Bowdler was born. A medical doctor by profession, his avocation was making bawdy versions of classical works, especially Shakespeare. His “Fable of the cad, Romeo, and his strumpet, Juliet”, is generally considered the most filthy work to come out of the 18th century.

in 1786, the Mlosh of North America are criticized as appeasers for paying the pirates of Morocco £10,000 to stop their attacks on ships coming from North American shores. The tactic seems to work, though, and many other governments follow suit. In 1800, the government of Morocco, composed of many of these same pirates, is the first foreign power to recognize the North American Confederation.

in 1804, Alexander Hamilton kills Vice-President Aaron Burr in a pistol duel near Weehawken, New Jersey. Hamilton is arrested and tried for treason; his federalist and economic ideas are branded as the work of a raving madman, and fall out of favor with the public.

in 1934, Eddies at 10 colleges were linked together by the fledgling Knowledge Railroad and began sharing information. Pascal-Edison had technicians working round the clock at each campus to ensure the smooth operation of the Eddies, and the successful test led to the growth of the Railroad to hundreds of other colleges and large institutions within the next year.

in 2002, at the coronation of the Comte de St. Germaine as Pope Righteous I of the Holy British Empire, a trio of Protestants burst in and attempt to assassinate him. The woman of the group, Diana Spencer, manages to plunge her knife into the back of St. Germaine’s head, all the way up to the hilt. St. Germaine hovers near death’s door for seven days, but miraculously recovers, lending even further strength to the rumors that he has been called by God to lead the Empire.

in 1381, following the unrest after Malik al-Shabazz’s assassination, the Caliphate of Africa grants full political rights to all non-Muslims. The move is condemned across Islam, but the unrest in Africa does ease.