Saturday, July 31, 2004

Martians Evacuate Earth

July 31st, 2004

in 422, astronomers in Baghdad, expanding on the work of Abul-Wefa, calculate the circumference of the earth accurately. Their Caliph, El Hakam, celebrates their brilliance with a royal banquet and a pledge to always maintain the school of astronomy: “Since Allah made the stars within the domain of the earth, and gave to man the earth, it follows that the stars are our jewels, as well. May Allah grant your school the wisdom to pick these jewels from the sky.”

in 1556, St. Ignatius of Loyola dies. In life, he had been the founder of the Society of Jesus, a somewhat ironically named organization that had been Pope Henry VIII’s political and intellectual assassins. Ignatius himself was only made a saint because of the political services he had performed for the Holy British Empire.

in 1912, President Nora Barney, in one of her last acts before leaving office, passes a law prohibiting the filming of prize fights, either for photographs or the cinema. Her successor, sister Suffragist Charlotte Gilman, enforced the law rigidly. Violence of almost any kind was being pushed out of polite society in Suffragist America.

in the 16th year of Ptolerit’s reign, astronaut Soranim returns to earth, hailed as a demigod. Ptolerit names him a Prince of the Realm, and gives him one of his own daughters as a wife.

in 1942, the German Underground releases chemical weapons against Greater Zionist Resistance troops in Minsk. While not as effective as the nuclear weapons used a few months ago, they do have the advantage of leaving the buildings of Minsk standing. The GZR is now in a long state of withdrawal from Europe.

in 1960, Elijah Muhammed, leader of the Semitic-African Resistance, calls for the United States to set aside a state for those of African and Semitic ancestry. Political agitator Albert Einstein, a lesser functionary of the S.A.R., begins holding talks with sympathetic Congressmen who might be willing to allow them to do so. Armed resistance is still years away.

in 1974, Daniel Ellsberg, a consultant at the Pentagon, was sentenced to 25 years in prison for treason. Ellsberg had been caught trying to peddle classified papers to various news organizations through a fortuitous tip from his psychiatrist. President Nixon said, “Filthy traitors aren’t welcome in our America.”

in 2003, Martian forces evacuate earth as quickly as they can, leaving behind many ships, many dead, and many dying. Dr. Jacob Sheridan advises burning the bodies from a distance rather than getting up close; he is still not sure that the nanobot virus is safe for humans to be near.

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