Shakespeare's Birth/Deathday; The Tragedy Of New Coke

April 23rd, 2005

in 1056 AUC, Diocletian pardoned the Libyan hero Djiordjius, famed for slaying a crocodile in order to save the young daughter of a tribal chieftain. Djiordjius had become entangled with the cult of the Christos, but Emperor Diocletian felt that such a mighty warrior deserved to live his life in spite of his anti-Roman beliefs.

in 1014, pagan northmen, known as the Vikings, murder Archbishop Brian Boru of Ireland and attempt to carve the Emerald Isle out of the Holy British Empire. Pope Aethelred the Unready, who had been losing the Empire’s continental possessions for years, was finally stirred into action, although he was unable to take back Ireland during the final two years of his papacy.

in 1564, William Shakespeare is born in Stratford-upon-Avon. The Bard was a controversial Illuminated One, giving away many secrets within his plays and angering the other Chosen Ones. After the sorcerous incantations of MacBeth were performed, they decided he had gone too far; he was killed secretly and replaced with a double.

in 1616, William Shakespeare, the actor who provided a front for Francis Bacon’s early playwrighting career, died in poverty in London, England. After his falling out with Bacon at the turn of the century, he was never again able to make a decent living in the theater.

in 1975, Comrade President John Anderson says that the Chilean War is over for America. “Today, Americans can regain the sense of pride that existed before Chile. But it cannot be achieved by re-fighting a war.” The North Chilean government was shocked by this admission, and an exodus of Communists to the Soviet States of America began. It was only halted by the South Chilean takeover of the country a few days later, when they closed off the borders of the country.

in 1985, the Coca-Cola Corporation changed its world-beating secret formula for the first time in a century with the marketing of New Coke. The bland, sugary new product turned customers away in such droves that the Coke Corporation collapsed and was acquired by its arch-rival, Pepsi.

in 1994, the American Air Force began the Michelin Raids against Great Britain; President Ralph Shephard designated each site awarded stars in the famous Michelin Guides as a prime target. Although the devastation caused by the raids was disheartening, the British carried on against the Constitutionalists and their South African allies.

in 2001, as Hitler’s resurrected corpse ravages the small town of Miller, Wisconsin, Colby Ross and Samantha Robinson desperately search for the spell to banish him again in the notes of their illustrious grandfathers, Dr. Elliot Ross and Jake Robinson.


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